Managing Conflict

Conflict is a normal part of life. However, it can cause negative emotions and worsen anxiety and depression. There are practical skills for managing conflict in a healthy way. Rather than reacting immediately, stop for a moment, calm down and identify your feelings. Are you angry, embarrassed, frustrated or hurt? Take five breaths and think about the different ways you can respond before choosing one or consider playing “Problem-solving baseball.” First base is what is the problem? Second base is your potential options, and Third base is identifying the best one. Finally, home plate is deciding whether you made the right choice. If your first attempt did not work, remember that your goal is not to instantly resolve the situation and you can try again.

Think beyond the particular incident. If you are experiencing conflict with a friend, consider your entire relationship, remembering that one behavior does not define a person. Putting yourself in his or her shoes will help you to develop empathy and allow you to acknowledge his or her feelings. Listening actively without interrupting also is beneficial in resolving conflicts as is examining the context. The dynamics of a conflict, including time, place and whether it involves a peer, an authority figure or an adult, can assist you in choosing your response. Consider what started the conflict, whether the other person’s points were valid, and how you felt during the worst part of the disagreement, along with the reasons for that, and identify the turning point in the encounter.

It is important to communicate clearly without lashing out or making accusations. Write down talking points and role play with a friend or loved one before speaking to the individual about the conflict. Focus on the issue(s) rather than the person. Be sure to use “I” statements and not “you” ones, along with briefer sentences that will help you to avoid big words and ideas and being long-winded. Ask clarifying questions, maintain eye contact and employ positive body language, like nodding in agreement or smiling when possible. Reflective listening will allow you to clarify what you are hearing. If you feel yourself shutting down emotionally, consider telling the other person how you are feeling or simply take a break.

Not all conflicts can be resolved, and, while you cannot control disputes, you can determine your response to them. Avoid jumping to conclusions, spreading conspiracy theories, and intentionally acting superior or condescending to and provoking others.