Talking to a Friend or Loved One
Text messages to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s Disaster Distress Hotline increased by more than 1,000 percent in April 2020. The pandemic has not only caused additional barriers for individuals already experiencing mental illness and/or substance abuse disorders, but also has negatively affected the mental health of countless others. In the United States between 2017 and 2018, three million adolescents experienced a major depressive episode, and the social isolation and loneliness currently being experienced by many in our nation while sheltering in place are known to worsen both mental and physical health. In addition, the disruption to their daily routines while schools are closed has been particularly difficult for American youth.
If you are worried about a friend or loved one, find a time to talk when it is just the two of you, there are no distractions and he or she hopefully is relaxed and in a good mood. Try to keep the conversation private, friendly and casual. The tone of your voice can make a significant difference and you should try to have the same posture and be on the same level as him or her. (When people are sitting lower than the individual who is talking to them or if the speaker has his or her arms crossed, they can feel defensive and resentful.) Honestly and caringly tell the individual what you are feeling. Be sure to mention his/her positive qualities before talking about any problematic behavior. Describe times when you have been worried and why you believe there may be issues that need to be addressed. However, do not let the conversation turn into an argument or a battle of wills and/or make him/her feel ashamed or guilty.
If your friend or loved one denies that he/she has a problem, simply repeat why you are concerned and then be a good listener. Remember to use “I” (i.e., “I worry about you when…”) rather than “You” (e.g., “Your Instagram posts are disturbing.”) statements. Never say, “But you have so many things to be happy about”, which can sound like an accusation rather than be comforting. Do not interrupt the individual with questions and suggestions or monopolize the conversation, and allow him or her to share only what he or she wants. Remember that his or her experience is unique and wait until/if you are asked for advice to provide any.
Do not oversimplify what is happening. Mental health issues are complicated and treating them is not a simple process. Ask your friend or loved one to talk to a counselor, doctor or other mental health professional. Show your support by offering to accompany him/her to the first appointment. (For parents, if your child is resistant, try to take him or her during a class or event that he or she does not like.) Express that “It is okay not to be strong right now” and consider sharing your own experience if you have dealt with a mental health condition yourself.
Rather than saying, “Let me know if I can help in any way.”, be specific about what you can do, like dropping off dinner the next day or walking his or her dog at a specific time. This will make it easy for the individual to simply agree. Remind him/her how much you care, that you will be there for him/her no matter what, and that you simply want him/her to be healthy.
If you are a youth who has talked to a peer and still have concerns, speak to a trusted adult. Your friend’s health and safety are more important than him/her being upset with you for telling someone else. It also can be helpful to receive professional advice from a physician or therapist on how to best help him/her. Useful things to say anytime you have concerns over the mental health of another person are: “I am sorry things are so hard right now. I will help you.” ; “I care about you. I love you. I am here.” ; “I wish you were not in so much pain.” and “I cannot really fully understand what you are feeling, however, I can help.” #TimeToTalk