Establishing Boundaries
Setting boundaries not only protects your mental health and needs, it also provides the ability to say “No” without feeling guilty and the opportunity to identify your emotional patterns with specific individuals and situations. Boundaries can involve your feelings, finances, health, opinions, possessions, relationships with other people, and/or time. Most individuals have a mix of boundaries, which depend upon the situation. A lack of boundaries can cause emotional and physical fatigue, along with greater family conflict.
The types of boundaries range from communication (how someone is allowed to speak to you and how you talk to yourself and others) to intellectual (having beliefs and thoughts that differ from others and being okay if they do not agree with you) and physical (your personal space and privacy, etc.) Fear often is the major reason people avoid setting boundaries. They worry that they will anger or disappoint others; be viewed as difficult, mean or selfish; and/or ruin relationships.
Individuals not only need to learn how to set their own boundaries, but also to respect those of others. It can be helpful to remember, “This is theirs; and this is mine.” Signs that you may need better boundaries include suppressing your own feelings to avoid disagreement and being anxious or scared in the face of conflict and doing whatever you can to resolve it. Is there someone who makes you feel anxious, frustrated, sad or uncomfortable whenever you spend time with him or her? Before establishing new boundaries with the person, consider your role in the relationship as you too may need to change.
When setting boundaries, it is important to create a plan and exit strategy beforehand and to stay calm and focused and to watch for manipulation in the moment. Select a time when you and the other person are both calm, sober and well-rested and neither or you are distracted. You may want to write down what you are going to say. Be kind, yet also direct and specific, about what you desire. Begin by explaining the ways you will alter your own behavior and not by telling the other individual how you need him or her to change. Your tone of voice (neutral and respectful) can be even more important than what you are saying. Be sure to use phrases like “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel…”
If you see a therapist or other mental health professional, he or she can work with you to make a plan(s) to establish better boundaries in your relationships. Consider starting with small “No’s” like “I do not want to go to a Chinese restaurant tonight. I would rather have Italian or Mexican food for dinner.” Once a boundary is set, you will need to point out when a person says or does something that crosses it. Established patterns are hard to break so you must be consistent in your efforts. When the other individual is uncooperative and/or does not recognize the need for or is incapable of change, it may be necessary to end your relationship for a healthier life.
Boundaries result in better, longer lasting relationships and keep expectations clear with regard to the behavior you will accept from others and that they can expect from you. In fact, good boundaries are like jazz music. You need to have your own instrument in tune and “read the changes” before you can successfully play with others.