Helping Children Who Are Too Hard on Themselves
Negative self-talk (either verbal or written) can indicate that a youth is a perfectionist, experiencing depression, internalizing bullying or trying to avoid social judgment. In isolation, negative self-talk is normal. It becomes a problem and can be a sign of anxiety, a learning disability or low self-esteem if it is persistent and pervasive, is not based in reality or affects friendships and his or her performance at school.
Children often experience globalized thinking, which is reflected in “all or none” statements. For example, instead of doing poorly on a single test, they imagine they are bad at Math. Furthermore, effort does not always equal achievement. Explore teens’ statements to discover the emotions that are behind them. Ask why they said what they did and/or what is going on that makes them feel that way. Have youth identify something they have improved upon and whether they have the same expectations for themselves that they would have for a friend. Get them to consider how they responded to a mistake in the past and inquire if they would respond differently now.
Parents should provide a non-judgmental, safe space by listening without dismissing their child’s feelings, helping to specifically identify what upset him or her and modeling positive self-talk. It can be useful to contact an adolescent’s teachers to explore what you are hearing. Their perspective may provide a more complete picture. Assist your child in noticing the positive by asking him/her what he/she was proud about today. Jointly set a limit on the number of hours youth will spend on homework or practices in order to encourage rest; and help them break large goals into smaller steps so they can recognize the progress they make.
Children can document their feelings by writing them on paper or in a journal, which over time will allow them to more rationally view the facts of situations (and provide a record of what they have persevered through), and to explore their strengths, what they enjoy and do well. Adjusting their expectations and knowing what they can control, themselves and the effort they expend, and what they cannot, how family members, friends or teachers view them, ultimately will help youth engage in more positive self-talk and be happier with their accomplishments. Making mistakes is necessary in life and moving forward from them teaches resilience.